Day by Day

tattoolit: Nec Spe, Nec Metu, Teneo No Hope, No Fear,...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:56:32 -0800

tattoolit:

Nec Spe, Nec Metu, Teneo

No Hope, No Fear, Endure

listening to "Morcheeba - Get along (feat. Pace Won)"

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 20:12:42 -0800

listening to "Morcheeba - Get along (feat. Pace Won)":

Get along…

listening to "Shawn Mullins Live - Beautiful Wreck Music Video (Part 17)"

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 16:21:48 -0800

listening to "Shawn Mullins Live - Beautiful Wreck Music Video (Part 17)":

Dedicated to all the beautiful wrecks out there.

listening to "Nightmares On Wax - You Wish"

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 22:03:58 -0800

listening to "Nightmares On Wax - You Wish":

Purr.

listening to "Iron

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 22:58:41 -0800

listening to "Iron :

Sexy.

listening to "Blue Scholars - Bananas (2009 OOF! EP)"

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 23:40:25 -0800

listening to "Blue Scholars - Bananas (2009 OOF! EP)"

Nanosecond Update

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:11:40 -0800

You may be wondering, oh my many followers, where on earth I have vanished to? The truth is nothing romantic; my building offered free wi-fi an the neighbor I, ahem, *shared* a connection with must’ve cancelled his Internet, as I can no longer use his password. I would’ve paid for my own Internet subscription, but for two factors: 1) I will only be here a month and the building’s monthly rate + the one-time hook up fee was quite a large waste of money and, more importantly, 2) the building wife is SLOW AS FUCK. So, I get one precious free hour of wifi per day which is just barely enough to check my gmail, Facebook, and Twitter accounts, but certainly not long enough for long-winded Tumblr feeds. I move at the beginning of the New Year, so you can expect much more from me then. And when i say much more, I mean MUCH MORE. You see, I’m moving back in with my parents, to a town where old High School friends will be comprise my social life, so I will cling to the Internet in a grasp so tight a boa constrictor will be jealous. Expect plenty of long, meandering, half-suicidal rants that will both amuse and horrify you. J/K. I hope.

I had to wrap my own mind around moving back in with my parents, as I base much of my pride and self-worth over my independent nature and self-reliance. However, it’s just been a hellishly hard year for me with my sobriety, my fibromyalgia, and my divorce. I had been pondering this move for a long time, but at Thanksgiving, it made me feel so loved and flat-out relieved when my mom said, simply, “Sit down, let me do this for you.” Having someone care for me after years of caring for others and then a year of struggling to care for myself made me want to weep with pleasure. The sad fact is, there are weeks where I can’t cook or grocery shop, as there is absolutely NO energy left after the work day (if I can make it work at all) and I lay in bed and cry because, as good as my friends are, they aren’t family and only family can I ask such favors of time and time again.

So, soon I move for the 3rd time in 12 months. Now that my decision is made, I look forward to it. I see the next 12 months as being a time to learn how to manage my health conditions, to get my divorce finalized and my heart reasonably mended, to get my credit card debt paid off (two “firsts” for me: running significant credit card debt and my first overdraft of a bank account- whee!) and some money saved up for the next move, to sell my two houses- one which I will make little profit on (the lovely house my ex inhabits) and the rental which will be all profit, but is nearly unsellable, being a poorly maintained 1890 rental.

I would love to maintain any links I can- if you have a blog you would like me to follow, just let me know. As of the 2nd week of January, I will be in a part-time work schedule (30 hrs/week) and desperate for things to keep me busy. Til then, kisses and hugs from the rainy oasis!

Cautious Optimism

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 00:23:36 -0700

A brief note and a promise of longer update when I can get to some wifi with the laptop- am pecking this out on my beloved iPhone. Today I spent almost 3 hours at the hospital with an IV of lidocaine drip drip dripping in my vein. I was only at about a level 4 pain to begin with, but it dropped to pain free. If this treatment works, it could last a few hours… or up to 3 weeks. I ask you all to please give a shout-out to whomever it is you believe handles such things and to please ask for as long as possible. A treatment that works? A relatively pain-free reprieve? I dare to hope.

"Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around..."

Sat, 02 Oct 2010 21:40:23 -0700

“Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. T his is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted”

- “Cold Tangerines” by Shauna Niequist (via julie911) (via quote-book) (via bellacherami)

Double down!

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 22:39:12 -0700

Wait, what? Another pain-free day, you say? Admittedly, now that the evening is wearing on, I can feel that old enemy, Pain, gathering back in my shoulders and upper arms, but for most of today I got another reprieve from FM hell. The sun was shining, I got treated to a delicious sushi lunch by a handsome and intelligent friend, who always nurtures me, even when I’m cranky and dismal, but who was especially happy to see me smile once again today.

I said a few words to my Higher Power, who I am struggling to name for myself. “God” is too fraught with assumptions. “Higher Power” sounds too clinical. Sadly, my top options at the moment are the hippie-ish “Gaia” as I feel any Omnipotent Being must surely be connected with the earth and all species, not just human, or the ultra-geeky “Powers that Be (PTB)” from, um, the sitcom Angel. Anyone have suggestions on this tricky naming issue? Whatever He/She/It is called, I have been attempting to pray, although I am not sure how, other than looking skyward and speaking from my heart. Today and this weekend it was all about giving thanks. Other days it is often to ask for courage and acceptance.

I have been having second thoughts about scheduling with the Addictionologist that the Pain Center insists I see in order to be treated by them ever again. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and despite my sunny mood, surprised myself with the outpouring of tears and undiluted grief around the upcoming assessment. I mean, I really lost it- the kind of crying you feel you will never be able to stem once the dam has sprung a leak. My psychiatrist has a very matter-of-fact attitude, though, and we explored that the crux of the issue is that I am very much afraid of the new Dr. judging me. But really, I’m more judging myself. Oh, surprise, surprise- me being harder on myself than anyone in the world would ever be to me? Spinning out the catastrophic scenarios in which, somehow, I end up homeless and on the street (in a van… down by the river!) Ah, me.

Anyway, it was a cathartic cry and my psychiatrist and I agreed that I should take the time to write down the ways that I am dealing with my addictive personality, the ways I am making progress. Because I am making progress. I honestly feel I’ve turned a corner where the cocaine is concerned. My health is honestly and truly my top priority. I can’t get help if I slip up and I just don’t think the temptation would make the decision hard right now. Maybe in the future, when I am feeling better and I end up in a situation where I’m around it, I will feel the pull again. But as for right now, I don’t even think it sounds fun. I never really had a reason to stop before- I had the money, the time, and the hedonistic personality to always say yes. Now, I have the biggest reason of all to say no. Being Well!

Something to smile about

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 17:58:36 -0700

Yesterday, I was ecstatic. Why? Because I was pain free. Fatigue free. Normal, for one day.

I have to pause and savor that and give thanks.

Everyone says that you don’t know what you have until it’s taken away, but as cliche as that may be, it’s absolutely true. Losing my good health feels like losing everything. Having it back for even a day was an amazing gift. I went out on the town with a girlfriend- back in the world! with people! Something I used to do several times a week has now become such a special treat. Every moment of yesterday was filled with gratitude. I especially needed a good day, as last week was a horrific mess of pain and crushing fatigue.

Today the pain is back, but it’s low. I’m trying to take it easy and conserve my energy, but all in all, it’s been the weekend I’ve longed for and needed for months. That, my friends, is something to smile about.

Negative Nancy

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:33:00 -0700

Reading back over my posts, damn, I’m one depressing dame, aren’t I? It’s kinda funny, because in a way, I actually have something to be depressed about now, which is somehow less depressing than when I was depressed about nothing. Is that a deep thought by Jack Handy or what? (please tell me you aren’t too young to remember Jack Handy from SNL!!)

Anyway, yeah, I’m low-ish. Trying to figure out how to surrender without giving up. I’m sick and I have to accept it, but also keep the flame of optimism on a slow burn. But then today my dog appears sick. And I’m worried sick about him being sick and it took my mind off being sick myself for a minute. My poor lil buddy!

I got to thinking about my friends this eve. I have amazing friends. Now, I’m going to give myself just a wee smidge of credit here- I AM a good friend. I’m loyal. If you have my back, damn if I don’t have yours. I’ll stand up for you to a stranger or to another friend. Which sometimes puts me in the middle. When my friends are having conflict, I say; I have both your backs and I’ll listen sympathetically, even empathetically to each of you, but I’ma try also to be there for each one in the way that friend needs. I do try. I guess it’s always about the try, isn’t it- just like Yoda said.

Super-early-butt-crack-of-dawn Dr. appt tomorrow- finally someone to tell me why my poor skin is bruising and tearing so easily. Another notch in the Pain Clinic’s “fail” section- they didn’t even do a measly blood test for me. Had to re-visit the ole PCP and she referred me back to my hematologist, who, conveniently, works at the Cancer Center. And if you think starting your day at the Cancer Center isn’t a barrel of laughs, well then I guess you aren’t living my glorious life.

File under "sick lit"

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:04:15 -0700

File under "sick lit"

Simple pleasures.

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 20:54:33 -0700

Simple pleasures.

I could really use a wish right now

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 22:09:10 -0700

Went to an NA meeting yesterday. Harder to walk back in than to walk in that very first time. Got welcomed, though, and people actually made more of an effort to speak with me. One woman I talked to outside for some time told me to “pray for faith.” Since I’ve never had a strong religious feeling, I can’t conceptualize a Higher Power. So today, silly as I felt, I got on my knees and sent a prayer out to whomever might be listening. It basically went like this, “Dear Higher Power— a little help, please?” Simple, but that’s what was in my heart. Today, back to another meeting. The small one I used to really enjoy. They welcomed me even more. Said they had missed me. One guy had even called me. These people care. I need to care for myself. Get over my anger at having fibromyalgia. Surrender. Move on. It’s hard, but for now, every day is going to start with a short prayer. Until someone or something sees fit to answer back.

The funny thing, is, I DID have a religious experience once, many moons ago. I used to attend a Youth Group. I grew up going to a very liberal United Church of Christ church- one step up from the Unitarian Universalists in open, New Testament-style worship. I loved the youth group and we were part of a Habitat for Humanity crusade to tear down a crack house in Yakima (which we very literally did using sledge hammers and crow bars and such. I still remember ripping destroying the chimney with a sledgehammer- who gives a teenager such destructive force and no safety gear?!) The following year we came back and built a Habitat house on the land where the crack house used to be. In any case, after we washed the dust off and out of our every orifice one evening, the leader began talking about God and basically, all of us were asked, did we believe?

I left the church to ponder the question and I asked God to show me, to give me a sign if He were there. I asked absolutely from the heart. Now, I am an avid animal lover. And there were these wild kittens that hung out near the church, but they weren’t tame and they would never come near me, no matter my coaxing. This day, as I looked skyward and asked God to please send me a sign, the kitties all came over and crawled all over me, letting me stroke and pet then. If that wasn’t the sign I asked for, I don’t know what would be.

Nevertheless, how can a God of my understanding steal my energy and my wellness from me so terribly, terribly early in my life and just when I have so many other worries and woes? Why do terrible things happen every day? All my “whys” all my “what ifs” and all my excuses… where do they get me? In NA, they tell me to work the steps, they tell me: just practice prayer, practice faith, until the day it does become real. So, my wish today is a wish to feel that there is a universal loving presence who cares for me. The One who will take my will and my life and show me how to live. Amen.

"A shot to kill the pain A pill to drain the shame A purge to stop the gain A cut to break the vein A..."

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 17:48:16 -0700

“A shot to kill the pain
A pill to drain the shame
A purge to stop the gain
A cut to break the vein
A smoke to ease the crave
A drink to win the game
An addiction’s an addiction
because it always hurts the same…”

- (via poetrayne)

Consequences

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 17:45:47 -0700

Yesterday I called my mom, bawling my eyes out, feeling at the absolute end of my rope. I really fucked up about 2 months ago and it just caught up with me and I’m a feeling like that little girl lost in the deep, dark woods again.

What happened was that I tested positive for cocaine at the Pain Clinic and I don’t know why it took so long to notify me, but at my second appointment the nurse practitioner (let’s call her Ingrid. She’s overweight, under-make-up’d, dowdy clothing, impatient, unsympathetic attitude, and likes to look down her nose at you whilst talking to you… needless to say, a far cry from the Dr. who you see only every 6 mo. and who was the best Dr. I’ve ever seen. Anyway…) was going to prescribe me pain medication for my fibromyalgia, but said that she needed to check a few things first. A few days later, I got a call from her assistant that they would no longer treat me. Confused, I tried to elicit more information, but the assistant either didn’t know or wouldn’t reveal much more than that. I made an appointment, which was yesterday, and Ingrid finally revealed the source of the trouble.

Now I will not get the help I need, which has left me so devoid of hope. I literally cannot continue on with my life this way. The pain is unrelenting and the deep, bone-aching misery is only lifted occasionally. Somehow I’m expected to get to work when I feel like I’ve been run over by a Mack truck. Somehow I’m expected to actually have a life when all I want is to lie in bed. I can’t walk my dogs somedays- we are talking about under 10 minutes- what once was around the block is now around my apt. building. I can’t sleep. I am terribly depressed. If it weren’t for my mom, my constantly supportive, wholly loving mom, who is devouring books and articles by the day, I think I would give up right now.

The only shred of hope I have (despite Ingrid telling me they NEVER (NEVER, EVER) give pain relief to ANYONE (ANYONE EVER) who tested positive for coke is that the Pain Clinic requires me now to go to an Addictionologist for an assessment. If that doc advocates for me, they will continue to see me and if they keep seeing me and I test clean and keep telling them I’m at an unbearable 8 pain level, maybe by the grace of whatever being rules this universe, they will help me find a solution. Narcotic or non-narcotic, I just want to feel better.

Obviously, I am calling this new doc for an appt. I also need to get my ass back into the meetings. My mom is pushing the inpatient recovery house more. I just hate to cost my parents 6k for something I should be able to do on my own. No, something I know I can do on my own! Dammit, how could I have messed up so enormously and with such lingering consequences? I’m trying to keep the self-loathing to a minimum, but… damn. Damn. DAMN!

Spoon Theory

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:39:57 -0700

Spoon Theory

Put this one on...

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:28:19 -0700

Put this one on “repeat.”

joiedevivre2010:

blackbirdtoday:

(via 13acres, ohheyandreeuh)

Non-Laboring Labor Day

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:20:04 -0700

Well, my Labor Day was spent almost totally in bed. The reward is I’m feeling great right now, but I’m not sleepy and it’s nearly 11:00 and I very much *need* to get sleepy. Thus: I will put virtual paper to virtual pen and create some bloggishness.

I had some personal responses to my “true friends” post and one quite thought-provoking email from a friend who said, in pertinent part, “Someone could go for a long period of time and KNOW exactly who their friends are. But then a life changing event happens and you feel alone. Of course shortly thereafter someone will come along that you identify with in a new way. Someone that you connect with on a new level, a level your other “real” friends couldn’t understand. All of those people in your life have been “real” friends. They have satisfied your connection needs at this point.”

I agree that friendship is about connection. I am not feeling that I don’t have true friends. I definitely do and some people express their love and caring in different ways. Right now I appreciate the people who make the effort to connect with me- for instance, I have two wonderful girlfriends who have just come over (one this Saturday night) and hung out with me here in my apt. Not very exciting, I know, but I don’t have energy for going out on the town. What I was more trying to say was the friend who tweeted about “true friends” seemed to be intimating that people who weren’t making that effort weren’t real. And I completely understand that feeling, because it’s hard when you’re sick and lonely and afraid and no one comes over bearing cheer-up material. By that definitition maybe we aren’t the best of friends. But as my emailer above points out, there ARE different definitions- by the connection definition, my tweeter and I are, or at least were, very tight. So, I dunno. I’m figuring it out as I go along. Admittedly, I’m a tad selfish- I want people to help me maintain my social life, but to do it from my home, basically. I guess I’m going to need to invest in some bribery- really good vino, maybe? ;-)

In other news, because I do feel like I need more support than my friends are currently able to offer, I’ve put in for a transfer at work to move back to my parents town and, as “loser with a capitol L” as it sounds, to live with them. They are my cheering squad and they worry so much about me, but mostly it’s because I feel like I’m a hair’s width of breaking down a lot of the time. I think the hardest thing is trying to accept that my life is changed forever. The go-getter, out every night, party girl is transforming into a homebody. Not by choice, but due to the fibromyalgia. It’s not the person I have been or the person I want to be. I know this is a very down time and it’s going to get better, but still- this will be with me all the rest of my days.

Accepting the limitations I must accept is oh so very hard. I am also very bad at entertaining myself alone. I fine most TV and movies don’t hold my interest too long. Social media is starting to bore me, as well. The only thing that distracts me from pain is reading, so I’ve been doing more of that. I don’t have many (any?) other interests that I can do by myself at home. I need some. Suggestions, anyone?

At least I have my dogs. My dogs are *such* a comfort to me. Even in the worst of times, they manage to cheer me up. They also force me out into the world twice a day for their walks. That can be good or it can be maddening, as with Saturday morning, when my hips hurt so terribly that I almost fell when getting out of bed. I hobbled around the block with them like an old lady. Fuck. It’s so pitiful- I’m only 37.

I will wait to hear if my work will accommodate me. I”m asking for a 1-year transfer, because I do consider the town I currently live in as my home. I just need someone to help me cook, clean, take me to dr. appts, and tell me- over and over and over again- that things will be OK. Keep your fingers crossed, float some prayers into the ether for me, or whatever it is that can send me a little bit of luck. Peace out.